Tuesday, April 03, 2007

You Might Be A Republican If...

You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.

You've named your kids "Deduction one" and "Deduction two"

You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.

You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend"

You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare.

You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.

You think Huey Newton is a cookie.

The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, they're richer than you.

You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.

You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.

You call mall rent-a-cops "jack-booted thugs."

You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.

You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of bitches."

You've ever said, "I can't wait to get into business school."

You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Tootsie."

You answer to "The Man."

You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.

You fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood."

You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance."

You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love.

You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western values."

When people say "Marx," you think "Groucho."

You've ever yelled, "Hey hippie, get a haircut."

You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.

You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.

Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.

You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.

You've ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties.

You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me."

You've ever called education a luxury.

You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.

You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.

You came of age in the '60s and don't remember Bob Dylan.

You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.

You're afraid of the liberal media."

You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates...."

You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society."

You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don't even have shoes.

You confuse Lenin with Lennon.

[From: Political Humor @ About.com]

6 comments:

Dannyboy said...

I'm a proud Democrat, and I've said these four:

You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.

You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of bitches?"

When people say "Marx," you think "Groucho."

You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates...."

Hell, number two was my response after 9/11 about Afghanistan. I said I was looking forward to vacationing in, and I quote, "Lake-f*cking-Afghanistan."

Clifford Garstang said...

Well it does say "might" . . .

Dannyboy said...

Oh, I know. Just pointing out to people that even if you agree with a few, it doesn't make you a part of the elephant herd. :)

Clifford Garstang said...

Got it. Actully, I pulled these off the net because I got lazy while crafting one of my own Republican jokes, that goes something like this:

How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Four: One to deny that science can create light, which is, as the Bible tells us, is God given; one to argue that light bulbs are an unconstitutional infringement on the right to bear arms, since they shed light on concealed weapons; one to collect fees from poor people for using the light while denying that taxes are being imposed; and one to claim that light bulbs are treasonous because they expose the torture in Gitmo.

Anonymous said...

You call the structure in which you live a "hoooss."
You or your son have a Roman numeral after your name.
You belong to the same fraternity as your fahthah and grahndfahthah.
You don't understand all the fuss about George Allen -- what's wrong with a deerhead in a mailbox? It's rather amusing, actually.

Steve Harkonnen said...

I hate to say it, but nearly every one of them were true, and I laughed at this one. Good work.

The false one that stands out was about Hootie and the Blowfish. I wouldn't call them the end of racism in America. I'd call them the evidence of the end of rock and roll.